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A bird shat on me when I was walking to PE

Wednesday 2nd Mar 2022

I saw a dildo in the bin at the bus stop. I think it was used. You wouldn’t buy a dildo just to not use it and then put it in the bin. I think it might have belonged to someone staying at the inn at the end of my road. I once saw an empty dildo box on my road, so this isn’t anything new.

I got shat on by a bird while walking to PE. It was all over the front of my jumper, my trousers and a bit in my hair. It didn’t shit directly onto me, it shat in front of me and the wind blew it into me. They say it’s good luck to be shat on by a bird, don’t see how that’s lucky. I was walking in a group and I was the only one to get hit by it. I would think you’d want to be the one to not hit by it, so it’s hardly like finding a 4-leaf clover. I must be the luckiest person on the Earth if that is the case. Why do they always go for me? I had to wash it off in the sink when I got to PE.

I genuinely hate most of the birds in England. What is the point in most of them? Pigeons, seagulls, what do they do? They hardly contribute much to the food chain. All they do is steal our food. The last time I saw one being eaten was when my dog brought one in from the garden. They’re useless to nature.

Sat next to a gay bloke in PE. I wonder if gay people get turned on by their own genitals. I think it would be less exciting to be gay. I see cock and bollocks in the mirror every morning, so it’s not anything special to me. Gay people must get less excited by sex then. If a guy undressed in front of me, I wouldn’t be as thrilled because I see it daily. If a girl undressed in front of me, I’d be way more excited because I don’t see that very often. In tribes in the jungle, all the women have their tits out all the time and the men don’t care because they see it every day. Probably the same with gay people. I asked the gay guy if he is turned on by his own genitals. He said he isn’t. I don’t understand.

In science, we made Alvin and the Chipmunk jokes to Alvin for obvious reasons. Alvin responded by saying he thought the female chipmunks were sexy and if he was a chipmunk, he’d… you know. I’m now concerned whether or not he has pets.

At break, Edward brought in a giant painting off of his wall from home. I tell him to bring in random shit from home so that I don’t run out of things to write about, but I wasn’t expecting him to bring in a giant painting from his living room wall. Everyone stared at us.

In art, Noah explained why I’m always getting shit on by birds. Apparently, my curly hair looks like a bird’s nest from above. This means the birds are attracted to my hair and end up shitting on me. Nice to know.

In maths, the girl sitting behind me told me about a girl that was ignoring her. She seemed very angry about it. She then turned around and started talking to her friend. She told her to have sex with the boyfriend of the girl that was ignoring her. I thought that was a bit extreme.

The headmaster walked into the lesson to check how we were getting on. He said good morning. It’s the afternoon.

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