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I both figuratively and literally shat myself.

Wednesday 29th June 2022

Today’s the day I get off my arse and do something. For the first time. And probably the last time because I’m a lazy bastard. Just kidding, I gotta do something with my life… I suppose.

I’m especially not in the mood to do something today because I got no sleep last night. It was like 3am and I just got done watching a horror movie and finally went to bed. Lights out, curtain closed. I say lights out, I don’t sleep with the light off because I’m scared of the dark, I sleep with it dimmed slightly. That’s when I heard this blood curdling scream from directly outside my window. I both figuratively and literally shat myself. There wasn’t just one scream, it happened repeatedly for about 10 minutes with like 2-minute intervals in between. What made it worse was that I had Warwick Davis staring at me the whole time. Just to add to the unnerving atmosphere. Always great to have a midget stare at you shitting yourself while it sounds like someone’s being murdered outside your window. At three in the morning! Keep in mind I just finished watching a horror movie and they said in the movie that 3am is the time when evil shit happens. Anyway, turned out it was just a fox making the weird noises because they do that apparently. I’d rather they didn’t.

Went for a walk. It was… quite eventful. Well, half of it was. The first half was rather boring. There was a fat woman walking the opposite way on the same path, so it was very awkward when she tried to get past. This is because she took up three thirds of the path. Literally all of it. I had to walk into a bush to get around her. I ended up with scratches on my arm and leaves and bugs on me. If you’re that fat you should walk on the road, it’s not like a car will accidentally hit you because you’re hard to miss. Or maybe it will hit you then. Just build a separate path for fat people. That’ll stop me from walking through a bush to avoid them.

That wasn’t even the bad part of the walk. The bad bit was the interesting bit. The second half of the walk. I got hit by a car. Don’t worry, it wasn’t too bad. It just knocked me over and bruised my hip slightly. It was driving behind me and drove right into me to get into a driveway. It could see me, and I couldn’t see it. The driver clearly saw I was walking in that direction and thought they’d hit me for a laugh. What an absolute cunt. There’s a lot of old people where I live, and old people are typically shit at driving, so that’s probably why. That has put me off going on walks. At least now I have an excuse to be lazy.

I got to go into school tomorrow because of prize giving or something. I thought we already did that on Leavers’ Day, but apparently not. At least it’ll give me an opportunity to see my mates again. And maybe I’ll win something, who knows. I reckon you just go up to the front and they give you a Bible or something you’ll just put on your shelf and never glance at again. It’s for that same reason I didn’t get my shirt signed on Leavers’ Day. Faff for something I don’t really care about.

Came up with today’s superpower. Yes, this a regular feature now. How about you can always know the time, but it’s always something like “ten to” or whatever. So you can’t know the actual time. I basically came up with this one because it’s always the same answer I get when I ask someone for the time. “It’s ten to.” Ten to WHAT?! Just taking the piss really. There’s no point in saying “Oh, it’s half past”. Half past what? There are twelve fucking numbers on a clock you dickhead! Which one?! Yeah, it really pisses me off when that happens, so I came up with this superpower to stick a middle finger up at those people who do that. STOP DOING THAT PEOPLE. PLEASE!

I might add drawings to them later depending on if I stop being lazy. *cough* I won’t *cough*

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