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I hate the dentist, but I like nicking the free toothpaste samples they have

Monday 25th April 2022

Everyone was staring at me on the bus this morning. I thought they were staring at my fresh trim I got over Easter, but it turned out a bird had shat in my hair without me noticing. I only noticed when I saw it in the reflection in the bus window. It was only a little bit though, so I just wiped it off with my sleeve.

When I walked into form, my mates started talking about my haircut. I had it cut much shorter because before I looked like a circus clown. The topic quickly went from talking about how nice my new hair was to how you could see my sideburns more clearly now that my hair is shorter. They were saying how they look like pubes on someone’s testicles. I will shave them when I get home.

In maths, my teacher complimented my hair and said I was “Rocking the sideburns.” I told her that people were telling me they looked like pubes on testicles, and she said that’s outrageous. I’m still gonna shave them though.

At break, Edward had brought in a plastic Dory toy. You know the retarded fish from Nemo. We tried smashing it against a brick wall to smash it open, but it wouldn’t crack. 7 times we threw it, and nothing. Maybe this is why Dory can’t remember shit because we’re smashing her against a wall. After about 10 minutes of throwing it into a wall, it finally smashed. The body was split into two halves and the eyes fell out. They were hollow and were like half spheres. Like contact lenses, but you can’t see out of them. I had the idea to put Dory’s eyes on mine and wear them like contact lenses and walk about. They made me look like some type of serial killer. I did look weird. At least that’s what my friends told me; I couldn’t see anything.

My mate was being a bit racist in skills. He said that all Indian people either own a corner shop or some sort of tech business. He then pointed out that Currys PC World is named Currys. See what I mean? That’s not even that funny. Okay, it was kinda funny, but still racist. I guess he was only joking. Or maybe not, I couldn’t tell.

I had a dentist appointment after school. I absolutely hate going to the dentist, but I do like nicking all the free samples of toothpaste they have in the reception area. The dentist appointment wasn’t all that bad in the end. It did take a while though because my mum decided to have an hour-long chat with the dentist. She literally told the dentist her entire life story. I’m not joking.

My prom suit arrived. I tried it on. I look proper snazzy. I look like if Willy Wonka dressed for a funeral. (It’s a black suit.) The bow tie looks nice on me. I’m the type of bloke who you can slap any old bow tie on and will always look amazing.

I shaved my sideburns as well.

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