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I wrote a poem about Asian people eating mermaids

Monday 7th Mar 2022

People keep nagging me to write more poems. I don’t think my last ones were very good. I think I need to wait for something truly poem worthy to happen rather than trying to force one. That’s how all the best poems come about I think.

There was a woman standing at the bus stop opposite me this morning. She was wearing a wig. A big gust of wind came and blew the wig off her head. I had to turn my back and face a wall so that she couldn’t see me laughing. I felt sorry for her though.

I keep getting sharp stabbing pains in my ears. I think it’s because I’m constantly wearing headphones and listening to music on full blast. That’ll probably do it. My brother says I look naked whenever I’m not wearing my headphones. I think I might go see a doctor about it because I think it’s getting worse. If I go deaf, I’m gonna be pissed off because I want to be a musician.

There was a kid on the bus with what looked like toothpaste down his jumper. I can’t believe he hasn’t noticed. Maybe he has and just can’t be bothered to wipe it off. Either way it really annoyed me.

For English homework we have been looking at articles. Read an article over the weekend about a mummified mermaid where if you eat bits of it, it grants you immortality. I wonder how they found that out. If I found a dead mermaid, I don’t go “I’ll eat a bit of that”. Turns out the bloke who found it was Asian, so no wonder he tried eating it. Have you seen some of the things they eat in Asia? Spiders, bats, chicken feet, any insect they find crawling about.

Thought the story about the mermaid was poem worthy, so I wrote a poem about it.

Half fish, half woman.

Making sailors horny and Asian people hungry.

Mermaids are supposed to have lovely hair.

This one didn’t, there was barely any there.

She might have looked nice when she was younger, didn’t stop that Asian man’s hunger.

Being mummified for many years would do that to you, her hair looked all dried up, get her some shampoo.

I wouldn’t have a munch; I’d rather have a sandwich for lunch.

She looked like she tastes disgusting, mermaid flesh is not what I’m lusting.”

There was shit on my seat on the bus. I’m worried I’m gonna have shit stuck to my bum for the entire day. I wouldn’t be surprised if that were the case because that sort of thing would typically happen to me.

In maths, there was a girl singing. She sounded awful.

At break, Edward brought in a giant stress ball. I popped it. It had some sort of weird chemical inside it. It tasted disgusting.

Had a conversation with a girl about crystals. I said I don’t believe in pseudoscience. She said she’d bring in some rose quartz. Apparently rose quartz makes people fall in love with you or something. I see this as a win-win. Either I get proven right, or I get a girlfriend. I’m worried it might backfire though. Most of the time I attract more men than women. I’m worried all the gay blokes are gonna be flocking after me and not the girls. That’d be annoying.

In English, we had to do a task where we describe a public swimming pool. I think it was some sort of exercise to test our describing skills. Anyway, I’ll show you what I wrote. “Public swimming pools: the public’s sewers in disguise. Discarded plasters litter the place. Litres of urine take up almost as much of the pool as the water. Chlorine pickles your eyes. If you’re unlucky enough to inhale some of the water, which you will, you have just tasted a concoction more deadly than George’s Marvellous Medicine.” I’m pretty proud of that.

At lunch, I thought I saw a butterfly. Turns out it wasn’t actually a butterfly, but a small piece of plastic floating about in the wind. I was disappointed.

In science, the girl sitting next to me sneezed. It really scared me.

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