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My public execution

Monday 4th April 2022

There was a dead fly with a million eyes on my windowsill this morning. Normal flies have two big eyes, but this one just had a head made of them. Our house is nearly 400 years old, so God knows how long that’s been there. It might be an ancient species of fly that died out hundreds of years ago. You never know.

We had an assembly. They read us a Dalai Lama quote. It was something like “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” I hope those drug addicts were listening to that. I’m not exactly in the mood to get beaten up today. If you didn’t know, the Dalai Lama is some sort of an important bloke in Buddhism. He’s sort of like the Buddhist version of the Pope, but not really. That’s just an interesting fact to throw at you. Who says you don’t learn anything talking to me?

Had PE first. The whole year does PE, so if I were to get beaten up, now would be the time. To my surprise though, none of them did anything. I mean yeah, I got a few looks, but nothing else aside from that. Maybe that Dalai Lama quote did something.

I was really expecting to get the shit kicked out of me. It’s not like they haven’t done it before. I remember once a while back, I slapped one of them in science because they were being stupid and flicking hydrochloric acid about. I tried to stop them by grabbing their hand and they slapped me, so I slapped them back. Their friends found out and weren’t too happy, so at lunch they dragged me behind science. I felt like I was going to be publicly executed. They then took it in turns slapping the shit out of me. All because I tried to prevent corrosive acid going in someone’s face. Anyway, that was a while ago, so maybe they’ve changed since then.

If they are going to beat me up, they have a week to do it because we have the Easter holidays next week. I’m going on holiday to somewhere in Scotland during Easter. That’s probably the worst place to go on holiday. It’s freezing there. I told my mum I would get very bored, but she said I can go walk wherever I want. I said I would be scared of being kidnapped. She said she joined a Facebook group chat with the locals, and she says they are all lovely. She was probably only talking to the elderly in the community then because I’ve never met anyone under the age of 40 who uses Facebook. I’ve also never met an old paedophile, so that didn’t do much to comfort me. If you’re old, you’d be a shit kidnapper. All the nonces aren’t on Facebook, so there’s no way she could know if all the people are friendly. All the nonces are on Instagram. If she started a group chat on there, I’d be much happier.

We got our mock exam results in maths. You need 70% to pass! That’s a load of bollocks. I only got 56%. I don’t need maths to get into the college I want, so I might slightly give up on maths and focus more on the other subjects because 70% is a scam.

I asked Mark if there are any hot girls in Scotland because he’s Scottish. He’s also the bloke who keeps sneezing in my hair. He said most of the girls in Scotland are ginger, so I should be prepared for disappointment. Although, in my old school I had a Scottish RS teacher who was fit. She was also brunette and not ginger, so you never know.

In science, Noah told me a story about how he nearly killed his cat with a Nerf gun. He said he was acting like James Bond and accidentally shot it.

We had a cover teacher in science. She was really fat. She had all chin and no neck. Don’t call me mean for saying that by the way, she was a nasty person. She deserves it.

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