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No one likes bongos

Wednesday 9th Mar 2022

Thought I’d give Edward his present today because it’s chocolate and I’d eat it if I didn’t give it to him soon. I had run out of good wrapping paper, so I used some pink unicorn wrapping paper my mum had left over from my sister’s birthday. I don’t know if Edward will be too pleased.

I had an awful dream last night. It was very anxiety inducing. It was about a woman who stepped on my foot and then chased me down to say sorry. I hate it when people do that. I’d rather we just forget it ever happened. Less embarrassing.

I have my mock GCSE exams next week. I’m not looking forward to them. The last time I had mock GCSE exams, I had a very runny nose. I had to use my face mask as a tissue and then wear it for the rest of the day. It kept sticking to my face and suffocating me. I guess that’s what happens when you’re too scared to ask for tissues. Also, some year 8s pulled the fire alarm while I was doing my English exam last time, so I hope that doesn’t happen again.

There was an old man riding a bike on the road this morning. He was very slow. I reckon I could walk faster than him. He was holding up all the traffic. I think if you’re that slow, you should cycle on the path instead.

I saw a guy sneeze. He got snot all over his face.

In form, we got bored and got out the maracas and bongos from the music department to play around with. Me and the boys formed a sort of band. It actually sounded alright. I wonder if Grace liked it. Apparently, girls like it when boys play music for them. To be fair though, I wouldn’t like it if they played music for me music with bongos in it. No one likes bongos.

I think I need to start eating breakfast in the morning. My stomach keeps making weird noises and it’s quite embarrassing.

I’m still confused about if gay people get turned on by their own genitals. It’s a question every straight person has asked at some point. Today I finally got the answer I was looking for. In PE, I asked the gay kid if I took a picture of his penis without him knowing, would he be turned on by it? I said he wouldn’t know it was his because he wouldn’t know I took the picture. He said he would probably still recognise it. I said I would pop it in Photoshop and change the lighting or something. He then said he would be turned on by it. I finally figured out how to make gay people turned on by their own genitals. I am a genius.

In art, the girl sitting next to me was listening to white noise sped up. Don’t see how it could be sped up because it’s just a flat sound. Maybe that meant it was just a shorter version of regular white noise because the song went quicker.

There is a girl sitting in front of me. She’s definitely flirting with me. She was doing sex hand gestures to me and shit. She then asked me what I was thinking about. I said that my ear was hurting. She looked confused because that probably wasn’t the answer she was looking for. I think I really need to see a doctor about it.

Edward liked the present I got him by the way. He wasn’t too keen on the pink unicorn wrapping paper though.

Edward says he’s never had a wank. I struggle to believe that. Everyone has. I tell him it’s amazing, but he says it probably isn’t as good as ice cream. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried it. If not by urge, at least by curiosity. He says he doesn’t want to try it because he says it looks painful. He’s an idiot.

A pretty girl walked past my classroom in maths. She’s the same girl I spent a whole history trip staring at. I haven’t told you about her yet, but it doesn’t really matter because I have no chance with her. When she walked past, I accidentally shouted “She’s pretty!” I did this because I think out loud most of the time. This is probably why I’m shit with women because I’m always scaring them away. I hope she didn’t hear me. I wonder how many things I’ve said about Grace that she’s noticed. I just can’t help myself sometimes.

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