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Nope, I’m stuck indoors with Warwick Davis.

Tuesday 28th June 2022

I shit myself every time I wake up in the morning. For my birthday, my mum and dad got me a cardboard cutout of my favorite little person: Warwick Davis. Lifesize. It’s honestly a shock how little he really is. I’ve stacked Jenga towers taller than him. Anyway, I have him sitting at the foot of my bed, so that’s why I shit myself every morning and every time I walk in my room. I once had the genius idea to put him at my window to scare people walking past, but he wasn’t tall enough to see out of it, so I had to get him a stool. I think it’s safe to say me and him are best mates. It’s a bit sad really, but whatever.

It doesn’t feel like summer. It’s all grey and miserable. What did I expect, it’s England. No wonder I’m always pissed off. If I was from Brazil, or somewhere that wasn’t grey and gloomy all the time, I wouldn’t be such a miserable bastard. You never see a chirpy British person, they’re always grumpy and sarcastic.

This isn’t how I pictured my summer being. I thought I’d be spending the whole time with mates, going camping, swimming, and all that. Nope, I’m indoors with Warwick Davis. I have made plans to meet up with a few mates, but they’re pretty fucking boring. That’s probably the reason they’re meeting up with me; because their other mates didn’t want them.

Read an article that said they’ve found the shoe that the old woman lived in from that nursery rhyme. It said a woman used to live in it in the 1950s, but the shoe had been abandoned, and no one lives in it anymore. It said the shoe had seen better days and the roof doesn’t look great. The shoe itself looks alright though. It looked rather small, even though it was really big for a shoe. I don’t think you could fit a whole family in it. You might be able to fit Warwick Davis’ family in it though. I personally wouldn’t choose to live there.

To spice things up a bit, I have been thinking about maybe doing a few superhero stories or comics or something. I got the idea because I’ve been watching this superhero show on tv recently. My superheroes wouldn’t be your typical superheroes though, they’d be useless ones. Just to make them more interesting. We don’t want another Superman. More exotic powers would be good. Not even exotic, just fucking useless.

How about a bloke who can hear what animals can say, but can’t understand them. Like if a British person went to China or something. I guess that’d be more annoying than a superpower. You’d go outside, and all of a sudden you can hear squirrels chatting, but you can’t understand them. It would just make the world more noisy. Even if you could understand them, it wouldn’t be very helpful. I dunno when I’d ever want to chat to a slug. It’d also make killing spiders more annoying because they’d try to guilt trip you by saying they have a family or whatever. To be fair, even then I’d still smash it to bits. Fuckin hate spiders. I mean, they’re alright if they’re just in a sewer somewhere, but not if they’re up in my personal space. They’re always either in my room or in the bathroom next to the toilet. I don’t want a spider on my arse when I’m taking a shit.

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