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The fat kid farted in English, it smelled like fudge.

Monday 28th Feb 2022

Had a dream last night about a girl who showed me her boobs. I’m quite disappointed I woke up from that dream. That was the only good dream I’ve had in ages.

My mum says I need to eat more fruit and vegetables. Yesterday I had a packet of Haribo with natural fruit juices. If that doesn’t count, I don’t know why they bother putting it on the wrapper.

Amazon keeps recommending me life size cardboard cut-outs of Warwick Davis. It knows me well. Either that or it recommends everyone else the same things. He was much cheaper than all the other life size cut-outs. Probably because he’s much shorter. I remember in primary school; my teacher was telling me about her sister with dwarfism. She said it was really sad because she couldn’t reach the pedals in her car.

I feel really bad for people with dwarfism. I remember going to Universal Studios when I was younger and only being allowed on The Cat in the Hat Ride because I was too small for most of the others. That’s probably what it’s like for them, but worse because of bullying and all that.

Now that I think about it, I probably only went on The Cat in the Hat Ride because I was too scared to go on the others.

While walking to the bus stop, I was thinking about what I’d do if it were my last day on Earth. I think I might want to go to Cadbury World. I haven’t been there in a while and I remember it being fun. I also remember them giving out free samples of chocolate. I think the last time I went there was on a school trip.

I have prom coming up relatively soon. I was wondering if I should ask anyone to be my date. All the pretty girls either aren’t going, have already got a date, or aren’t interested. I think I might just sit with my mates and have a dance with them instead.

The adapter thing I use to plug my headphones into my phone keeps breaking. I’m quite disappointed because they were advertised as being “unbreakable”. I was suspicious anyway because they came in boxes of two.

I saw a pretty looking stone on the floor while waiting for the bus. I picked it up and put it in my pocket. It was sharp though, so it kept digging into my leg on the bus. I wanted to show it to my mates, but I didn’t want to carry it around so I put it on the floor.

In PE, I had to look after the disabled kid. When I say look after, I mean listen to him talk about Ben 10 for about 50 minutes.

It was raining outside. I kept thinking I was being shat on by seagulls but turns out it was just raining. I think I have some sort of PTSD from being shat on so many times.

My stomach made a weird noise in maths. Luckily, the kid sitting next to me can barely speak English. This meant I could just say it was him and there wasn’t much he could do about it.

At break, Edward brought in some of his birthday presents to show us. When I say show us, I mean for us to piss about with. He had brought in another copy of FIFA 14 and some barbecue sauce. Dunno why he brought in barbecue sauce, but the last time he brought in FIFA 14 we kicked it around and played frisbee with it. It looked like he had bought it from a charity shop. It still had the sticker on it saying £1.

In English, the fat kid sitting next to me farted. It smelled like fudge.

At lunch, someone let off a stink bomb in the canteen. I was scared I’d shat myself and not noticed. They had to evacuate the canteen because of the smell.

We decided to play a game of frisbee with the FIFA 14 disc again. We then filled the case it came in with barbecue sauce. We put the disc in the case and handed it into reception. There is an evil receptionist, so it was very satisfying to hand in a FIFA 14 case covered in barbecue sauce. I imagine what her reaction was when she opened it.

My hands smelled like barbecue sauce for the rest of the day.

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