Friday 6th May 2022
Today is the day I pull the greatest prank ever. I am going to fill a sex doll with helium and let it go. But let’s start from the beginning of the day.
I am spending the day dressed as Spider-Man. There is one very big complication though. The bulge. I had bought something called a dance belt which I think is what male ballerinas wear to cover their bulge. The thing is though, it’s basically a thong. I am going to be spending the day in a thong and dressed as Spider-Man. Brilliant.
My dad drove me in today because I couldn’t really get the bus dressed as Spider-Man. The lenses practically blind you, and I’ve fallen off the bus before when I wasn’t blind. Also, it would look very strange. Rows of people dressed normally and just one Spider-Man sitting there. Also because I had to bring in the sex doll and a small canister of helium and that would be a pain to do on the bus.
When my dad dropped me off, I realised just how little I really could see with the mask on. I couldn’t see a thing. Everything was white because of the tint on the lenses, and they were steamed up. I smacked into a few poles, fences, walls, and doors on the way in. I called my mate Rob to come help me. He arrived and tried guiding me through the main hall. I walked into a piano, a row of chairs, and finally fell down some stairs. I am the worst Spider-Man ever. He eventually had to carry me to form.
I had an entire crowd of people following me. Spider-Man is not a common occurrence. Especially not around school, and especially not when he’s being carried about because he just fell down some stairs. I finally arrived in form and Rob put me down. I had a crowd of people standing in the door asking for photos, autographs, and high fives. I had a lot of photos taken of me. I should have started charging £5 per photo. I would have made absolute bank.
We went out onto the field where there was a bouncy castle and a blow-up obstacle course. Perfect. I’m outside. I decided against letting the sex doll go in the sports hall and instead decided to let it go outside. I think it’d be funnier if a deflated sex doll ends up in someone’s garden than in a sports hall. I had the sex doll and canister in a carrier bag that I then took behind science to fill up. I then let it go. It was funny to see it float off, but a bit underwhelming. I saw it get stuck in a tree on the way up but was soon blown back into the sky. That’s my job done then. I do wonder where it’ll land.
I went back to the blow-up obstacle course. My fat friend went on it, but it collapsed under his weight. The climbing wall bit crumpled like paper. What a sight to see!
Edward had brought in a big bag of shit he bought from a charity shop. He had a magic wand. He went round using it to cast spells on people and giving them AIDS. That isn’t exactly what I’d do if I had a magic wand, but hey, each to his own. Maybe it was an AIDS wand where the only spell gives people AIDS. You never know.
We then had an assembly. I was the only one dressed up, so it was a bit weird. We got the results for who won the things like “Best couple”, or “Most likely to be a comedian”. I was nominated for the comedian one but didn’t win. Believe it or not, it was one of the popular kids that won because it’s the students that vote. You could be the funniest bloke in the world, but it wouldn’t matter because he got all his mates to vote for him. Bullshit. I’m absolutely hilarious.
I went into town after school. I was still dressed as Spider-Man. I saw a young boy that looked no older than 10 and was wearing a Spider-Man T-shirt and Spider-Man hat. He saw me and I just saw his eyes widen. He tapped his mum on the arm and pointed at me. I waved at him, and I could see him smiling. I bet that made his day. Spider-Man waved at him. I guess to him and all the other kids at school who wanted photos, I was Spider-Man. Not just some autistic idiot.
I then went home to get ready for prom. My brother gave me a hip flask of vodka to help give me confidence. I knew I’d have no chance in asking Grace to dance with me otherwise. With my hip flask and suit, I left for prom certain it’d go well.
I arrived. I then saw what one of the popular kids came in. A tank. A fucking tank. Someone had hired a tank to take them to prom. I’d seen a few girls arrive in a limo, but… a tank?! Show-off. My mum drove me.
I found Edward. He was actually wearing a suit. He looks weird with a suit. I then looked at the tie he was wearing. It was a Winnie-the-Pooh tie. Typical. There were a bunch of drinks on a table in the middle of the room. They all had mint leaves in them. Edward said, “What jackass put leaves in all the drinks?” I couldn’t be bothered arguing with him.
Some of the girls look fucking weird. They have these large dresses that look like they got them form a Disney shop. They looked like they were cosplaying Cinderella. There were weirder clothing choices though. The goth people were dressed like time travellers, and I saw one guy dressed like Elton John. I saw another guy dressed like Jimi Hendrix; he was wearing an all-orange suit with a flowery shirt. He hadn’t ironed his trousers though, because I could see crease marks all over his legs and crotch.
I saw Grace walk in. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a slim blue dress and had lovely hair.
Everyone then sat down for dinner. There was confetti scattered on the tables. Edward thought they were stickers and was trying to peel the back off them and stick them to his shirt. It didn’t work.
The first course was soup. Edward said he hated it and that it tasted like vomit. I told him to just eat the bread that came with it then. He asked me to hand him the plate of butter in the middle of the table. I did. He scraped a big bit of butter off with his knife. I thought he was going to scrape it on his bread, but no, he just ate it. He just ate an entire chunk of butter. Fuck me he’s an idiot.
Edward then called his mum. He then didn’t say goodbye and forgot to hang up, so he put the phone in his pocket while still on the phone to his mum. I think that takes the cake. I honestly have no idea how he has survived to this age.
After we had all eaten our food, they started playing music. I went up to the dance floor and tried to show off my moves to impress Grace. I tried doing the moonwalk. It didn’t work though, so it just looked like I was walking backwards. I should’ve practiced more.
Everyone then got up and started dancing. Grace included. She was with her friends though, so I waited a bit for her to sort of move away from them. I thought “This is my chance!” I started walking towards her. She looked at me and walked away and I lost her in the crowd. Some of my friends were still sat down at the tables, so I went and sat down with them. I explained I was having a hard time getting the opportunity to ask her. I didn’t want to pull her away from her friends and I couldn’t get a hold of her on her own because she walks off. I thought I’d try one last time. I started to approach her, but she simply walked off and disappeared again. “That’s it” I thought. I went and sat down at a separate table. I took a glass off the table and pulled out the hip flask from my inner jacket pocket. I put the glass under the table and poured some vodka into it. I tried diluting it with some water, but they only had fizzy water. Bad idea. Don’t drink fizzy vodka.
I was still feeling sober, so I thought I’d screw diluting it and just drink it pure. I poured it into the glass under the table. That’s when I heard “I’ll be taking that.” I looked up to see a teacher standing beside me with an outstretched hand. At that moment, I felt my brain go numb. I had no idea what to do. I can’t be seen with this. I tried pleading with him by saying it’s only water. He said, “Let’s have a taste then.” I tried pouring the rest on the floor before I gave it to him. I then handed it to him. He tried the few drops that were left and said, “No, that tastes like vodka to me. Let’s take a walk, shall we?” I felt my heart sink and my soul leave my body. I reluctantly stood up and followed him through the room. He was holding the flask in a way as though he was making sure everyone could see what I’d done. Everyone watched me walk out. Everyone saw the flask. Everyone knows. The teacher led me to a room where all the other teachers were. I saw the headmaster, the deputy head, all of them. I explained I only did it because I had no confidence and wanted to ask a girl to dance with me. It was then that I started crying.
I went home too drunk to process it all. I took my suit off and scrunched it up and left it a heap on the floor.
I never did get my dance with Grace in the end.