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Thought a jogger was chasing me

Thursday 30th June 2022

Listened to a song I haven’t heard in ages. It’s the song Get Lucky. You know the one that goes “We’re up all night to get lucky”. I’ve only just realised what those lyrics mean. The last time I heard that song must have been when I was like ten. I always used to think it was a stupid song because you’re not gonna be feeling very lucky if you’re staying up all night because you’re gonna feel knackered. I only just realised that “get lucky” means to find a girl to have sex with. I DID NOT know that back then. That’s probably still true though. If you stay up late to get some, it won’t be as good because you’d be fucking knackered. I know I would be.

I think there has only been one time I stayed up all night and that was at my first party. It’s a very funny story. It’s the first time I got drunk as well. I was at this girl’s house with a bunch of mates, and we had all had a few drinks. I mainly was just sitting on my own listening to music while everyone else chatted. At 4 in the morning, we decided to go for a walk. We walked to the local McDonald’s, and they all got food. I just sat about on the big roundabout in the middle of the road. It was one of those big roundabouts with trees and bushes on it and all that. So the first time I stayed up all night was also my first time drunk, and I spent most of it on a roundabout while my mates got a McDonald’s. It was also the same party that I talked about in the last diary where it was hosted by this girl I liked, and I accidentally left my shirt at her house, so she had to give it back to me the next day at school in a Tesco carrier bag. I haven’t really spoken to her since.

Going to that prize giving thing at school today. I honestly have no idea what it’s gonna be like, but I’m sorta looking forward to seeing my mates again.

We had a man with a clipboard come round today. I dunno what he was doing, but it was something to do with insurance. He took fucking ages. It annoyed me really because I wanted to use the kitchen to make myself some food, but he was faffing about in there doing fuck all. He looked really stupid as well. He was wearing a suit and had a bald head that looked like an egg. Walking about in his suit with his clipboard under his arm with annoyingly good posture and was wearing winkle pickers.

I had to hide away in the study to get away from him. My older brother was in there too. He kept farting on me. I dunno what he’s been eating, but it smelled rank. I had to get some air freshner to spray all over him to cover it up. It didn’t work. It just made it worse, because the chemicals just mixed with the smell of decomposing egg and it smelled like George’s Marvelous Medicine… if he added some form of toxic waste and sewage.

Again, it’s a miserable rainy day. What a great day to hold the last time I go into school. Except for results day I assume. It’s the last time I go into school wearing uniform. It’s a thunderstorm. An actual one this time, not just some bloke pushing a wheelie bin. It got me thinking about how annoyed I would be if I died today. What a day to die on. I wouldn’t like to die on a rainy day because it would just make it even more annoying. Dying would be annoying anyway, but make it a miserable rainy day, that’d really piss me off. Especially if my brother had just gassed me. That’s probably how I would die. My brother gasses me to death.

Come up with today’s rubbish superpower. The superhero show I watch has a bloke with superspeed. But he frequently has heart attacks, so that gave me the idea of the shit superpower being superspeed, but normal stamina. That would be fuckin useless wouldn’t it. I dunno when I’d use that. I’m never in a hurry. The last time I ever sprinted was when I went on a walk and there was a jogger behind me, and I thought he was chasing me. I nearly had a heart attack without superspeed, so imagine what it’d be like when your heart’s pumping like mad from that. Probably from fear though, rather than lack of cardio. Although, I can’t run for 2 minutes at regular speed without getting cramp. I’d be doomed.

I think I’ve come up with a name for this feature: Not-So-Superpowers. My mum came up with it, so I shan’t take any credit. Right, back to the diary.

My mum recently bought some penguin bars. You know the ones I’m talking about? They’re like little chocolate biscuits. They’re amazing. Not because the biscuit tastes good, but because they have jokes on the wrapper. The biscuit actually tastes mediocre, or dare I say not actually very good at all. Nah, the joke’s the best bit. What’s really good is that the jokes are all penguin themed. This is the joke I got: “What do penguins wear to the beach? Flipper floppers”. Haha, brilliant! The best bit is that the jokes make me look like Ricky Gervais because I could never make a joke that bad if I tried.

Right, got to go to that prize giving thing now. Put my uniform on and got in the car. I was really annoyed because I didn’t like how tight the collar was on my neck. I’m not used to wearing a shirt buttoned up all the way to the top again.

We went in and was handed one of those leaflets that tells you the list of what’s gonna be going on. As we walked in, they had the school band playing. Apparently I’m not allowed to critique them because they might not like it, but they were a school band, so you can guess what I was gonna say. I sat down next to my mate and they dimmed the lights and the prize giving assembly thing started. They started off by thanking everyone for turning up. There must have been about a thousand people in the hall.

They then started the prize giving. They went down the year in form groups and gave each person a scroll-like thing with a red ribbon around it. I got called up to walk to the front. I looked fed up and pissed off because my arse was hurting from sitting on one of those shitty benches. I sort of stood there awkwardly for a bit while I got confused when the woman tried to shake my hand. She then gave up and just handed me the thing.

I then had to walk down the aisle and round the back to return to my seat. On the way back, there was a woman standing at the back to switch out the scroll with a certificate. The scroll was clearly for show then. It was probably a bit of scrap paper they’d just stuck a ribbon round. The certificate I was given read “In recognition of all you’ve accomplished” blah blah blah. They clearly didn’t recognise shit because the writing with my name and all the bits that were supposed to be handwritten were just typed but in some handwriting font. No effort made there. Typical.

I had to walk round the back to get to my seat. There was a camera at the back though, and they were asking everyone to duck so that you didn’t get in the way, because the camera was projecting the video to the massive screen at the front so that people at the back could see what was going on. I wasn’t listening though, so I walked right in the way of the camera and the screen then had a massive projection of my face looking all fed up. Brilliant.

I finally returned to my seat. They then had a bit where the choir people did singing. Well… no shit they did singing, it’s a choir. Again, I don’t think I’m allowed to poke fun at these people because it’s obvious they were trying and were nervous, but how well do you think they did? I’ll just say this: they clearly hadn’t done a mic test. It was rather quiet for the majority of it, and then all of a sudden, one of the singers was super loud. The weird bit was that it was a background singer that was really loud. I don’t blame the singer though, it’s a school event, the quality is destined to be nothing but shit. And the transitions between songs: shocking. I dunno what DJ they had for that, but they should bin him. Rubbish.

They then did the individual prizes for certain awards. My Asian mate won an award for mathematics. Of course he did. Only joking. When he got the award and returned to his seat though, he realised they handed him a certificate for English. They’d printed his name on the wrong certificate. Again, typical. His recycling bin is gonna be full tonight. So is mine.

Some old woman who I’ve never seen before gave a speech and we all went home. Well, I went home. Everyone else stayed behind to have a chat and enjoy the BBQ that the school had set up. I didn’t though because I’d had enough and wanted to go home.

Could’ve been worse I guess.

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