Thursday 14th April 2022
Going on holiday today. My brother unlocked the bathroom door with a penny while I was taking a shit this morning. I’m glad we’re not taking him with us. He’s staying at home with his girlfriend.
The car journey there is probably going to be longer than the actual holiday itself. We’re stopping off at the Lake District first and staying there for the night. The trip to Scotland is too long to do all in one.
Thought I’d read some articles on the trip to cure my boredom. I read an article about some sea expert that is saying that the Loch Ness Monster might have been a whale’s penis. He says that during mating sessions, sometimes the whale’s dick will pop out of the water which may cause confusion among sailors. I imagine it would be disappointing for “brave” sailors to go out looking for a sea monster only for it to turn out it’s just a whale’s knob they’re scared of.
My arse hurts like hell and I’m all achy. We stopped off at a KFC to get food. We ate it in the car though, so I didn’t get to stretch my legs. I can feel the bones in my arse.
My dad asked me what I wanted from KFC. I said I wanted chicken. I don’t know what he expected me to say. They don’t really have much else on the menu.
I think there was some more news on the radio about what’s going on in Ukraine. Couldn’t hear it though because I was listening to Fireflies by Owl City on my headphones. I don’t really like listening to all the horrible stuff happening on the news anyway.
During this million-year long journey, I’ve seen more animals than you would in a zoo. They were all dead in the road. I saw a video the other day about a professional roadkill chef. That’s a quick and easy way to get every disease known to man. I would never eat at his restaurant. Sounds like the type of place you’d only find in China. They love mad foods like that, so maybe roadkill is some sort of delicacy.
We arrived at the hotel. It’s a Georgian mansion. I said before that I don’t believe in ghosts, but I think this place might change my mind. The haunted house ride at Disneyland looks less haunted than this place. The entrance was a big wooden door with stone statues on both sides. The whole place was built of dark oak and stone. What made the place feel extra haunted was the fact that they had a big moose head on the wall in reception. Whenever you see a haunted house in any movie, there’s always a moose head on the wall. That’s a fact.
I searched up the name of the hotel on google and the reviews were saying that they saw many ghostly apparitions. I wouldn’t mind seeing a ghost because it would make a good diary entry.
I went for a stroll round the hotel to look for ghosts. I felt like Scooby-Doo. I saw they had a library, so I thought I’d start there first. It was hardly a library. It only had one bookcase and one big chair. Only a haunted house would have such a shitty design.
Thought I’d look upstairs. There was a big grand staircase. There were large oil paintings of old posh people on the walls. I guess they didn’t have much to decorate with in Georgian times because every room is basically copy and pasted with the same sort of statues and paintings. I got bored and headed back to the hotel room.
Probably the scariest part of the haunted mansion is the fact it doesn’t have Wi-Fi. Our room window overlooks some train tracks though, so I’ll just watch trains go by instead. I have no complaints really because I have autism. A fun fact about autism is that every single one of us either love fire engines, trains, or dinosaurs. Speaking of dinosaurs, I’ve said before about how those ghost experts said old ghosts are dying off form old age and that’s why you never see dinosaur ghosts. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen any ghosts yet because Georgian times was a while ago. They also said they are dying because of Wi-Fi, so maybe not because there is no Wi-Fi here.
If I do get eaten by a demon tonight, I’m gonna be pissed off. I’m the last person you want haunting a place. An autistic ghost. Most ghosts would scare you; I’d probably just piss you off. I’d be the ghost that unplugs your phone in the night or something. Even worse would be a Tourette’s ghost, I guess. That’d piss you off.