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You never wipe your dog's arse

Monday 27th June2022

Sometimes I think this diary would be more interesting if I didn’t live in England. I dunno where would be better, but there’s nothing going on over here. Nothing exciting. The most excited I’ve been in England is when I heard the ice cream van go past, and that’s typically the one time I never have any cash on me. So that’s more disappointing than exciting. I went for a walk today and saw a dog walker wiping his dog’s arse after it’d had a shit before picking up the poo in a bag. That’s probably the most interesting thing that’s happened for a while because that never happens. You never wipe your dog’s arse, but he was doing it like a routine. Like it’s perfectly normal.

I don’t think animals should be treated like humans. If you treat it like it’s one of us and give it excessive care and all that, it’s gonna get used to it, so when you go on holiday and leave it at the kennels, it’s gonna look a wreck when you get back. This is because it won’t know how to act like a dog because it’s been treated like a human. It’s like if a really posh kid gets moved to a public school. Trust me, some of the kids at my school could have been dogs dressed as humans because they were acting like it. Shitting in the urinals and what have you.

Read an article about the queen going through a McDonald’s drive through. I couldn’t be bothered to read the article fully, but what I could take from it was her chauffeur probably got a bit peckish and thought he’d grab a happy meal or something. The queen didn’t want anything though, so they didn’t order anything for her. One of the McDonalds’s employees apparently said the most they get is footballers, but having the queen at the drive through was very exciting.

Called my mate up and he told me a theory about when we die, we just go to another universe or something. I told him I’d be pissed off if that happened because if I’m all old and achy and I die and wake up in some strange place, I’d be going “Fuck me, put me out of my misery”. I’m grumpy as is, I can’t possibly imagine what it’s like being old. My mum compares me to being an old man already.

I personally see no reason why any of these theories would or could be true. I think people just make them up not because there’s evidence for it, but because humans are afraid of death, so they make up these theories to cope. That makes more sense to me than going to another universe, or something like that.

I’d probably get bored of Heaven anyway; it’s probably just walks in the park with Jesus, a water fountain you can’t drink from, and some fruit you’re not allowed to eat or something. I mean yeah, seeing your dead loved ones would be great for a bit, but after a while they’re no longer your dead loved ones are they? I’d get fed up and pissed off. Especially if some knob head I knew in life made it to Heaven; I’d be stuck with them forever. That’s a long time to put up with them. Surely, you’d eventually be wishing for actual death because you’d be pissed off. I know I would. It doesn’t matter where you are, or who you’re with. Eventually you’d have had enough. That’s just being human isn’t it. I don’t think Heaven would strip you of your humanity, surely.

What I’m saying is maybe death is more bliss than “paradise”. What is paradise anyway? I don’t need it, it’s faff.

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